Crushed against her face, I could feel her insecurity.

I've been introspecting more often lately, I think, which is my excuse for being more active on here.
I have a hard time leaving thoughts half-finished, and the one I had to abandon earlier has been haunting me (and growing, slowly) all day.
I keep two journals. One of them is wide-spread through my friend group and runs updates on my status and adventures. The other is this one, which four people know of, and is an unaltered look into my brain. The other journal? Rarely, if ever, gets the thought processes that appear here. Not only because most people don't follow the writing style I use, but also because I'm not comfortable giving the general populace this much... intimacy. I dislike people seeing past the smile to the doubt and the faults.
The thing I keep coming back to, though, is the way I write here. I write the way I talk, I've been told, and I keep that true in my other blog. But in this one I write the way I think. Half-formed questions, sentences leading to nowhere and all, this is what it sounds like in my brain.
I don't know, it's been running circles in my head all day, and between that and the latte I've got my first headache in a while.

Also running circles in my head is a list of things that've influenced who and where I am in life right now, but I think that's a thought for another night. It makes me tired inside.
But I will say that I'm more confident then I ever have been, and more comfortable with myself, and I love everything about that. There are few things in this world more freeing than those feelings, and they allow me to sing the entire walk home and I can appreciate that. Even if my throat doesn't.

Hot like a toaster

I was talking to this amazing boy recently about running in the rain topless and it got me thinking about what sort of "weird" things I love. Which also lead me to ask, what classifies them as weird? A lot of people like the things I like, even if I count them on my weird list. So, I decided that the requirement would be the emotional spark that accompanies the action for me. My list doesn't have to include the most socially odd things I enjoy, just the ones that give me one type of emotional high. Thusly,

-Running topless in the rain (alternatively, naked)
-Graffiti
-Riding the Metro
-Fire escapes
-Sitting on roofs
-Swimming with my clothes on
-Watching the sky turn lavender during lighting storms
-Getting lost in DC with friends
-Keeping up with a witty person when verbally sparring
-Doing pin ups
-Exploring abandoned buildings
-Laughing until I'm light headed

I'm not even going to pretend for a second that this list is complete.

I can say what you want me to.

It's a shot of adrenaline to my heart every time I catch myself looking at something, feeling like I'm home.

It's been a month, when is my transition from "moved here" to "this is home" complete? I felt these stirrings on my second day here, it's not so hard to believe I feel them even more completely now.
I recognize these windows now, know the feel of the walls under my fingers. There's new surprises around every corner for me still and I'm sure there will be for ages to come, but I know the way the carpet squishes and the door squeaks and I like the way this place grows on me. Like the way the ivy grows across the roads on cables here.

It's not heaven, but it's close.

I am waiting for the light to shine.

Growing up, I always pictured myself as having certain values or morales that I would never betray. Like,
-A relationship is sacred, I'd never dabble with a man already in one.
-I would never have sex with anyone unless more than a month had passed of us "courting".
-I would never break someone's heart.
-I would not be intimate with more than one person at any given time, physical or otherwise.
-If I am attracted to more than one person, I will pick one and focus on them.
-I'd never lead some one on.
-My mind will not wander if I'm in a relationship.
-I won't do -any-thing with someone unless we're in a stable relationship.

Those're just the ones I can recall betraying right now.
When did I turn into this? Was it always there, I just never knew because there was never cause to try it out? Why am I like this? Why does no one look at me like it's wrong when I tell them these things?

I think I need to re-evaluate myself.

I take it out on my good friends.

What does it take to ask a man in the most amazing relationship of his life to hold you when you can't sleep at night?
A frighteningly close connection, or simply a lack of ethics where the relationship is concerned?
Two horribly lonely people reaching out to someone near-by who understands isn't a bad thing, nor is two friends snuggling to relieve the need. I let him set the limits, in light of his being involved, and I put my line at "no sex".
That's not a lack of ethics, right? Merely a mutual need to know someone out there will hold you and understand when you speak?
Because he's the yang to my yin, and I can't imagine some one here better to hold me.

The heat here is melting me, I fear. I've cried in front of someone again, for the first time in a long time.
My hopes were dashed, painfully, and I merely ghosted back into work without a word. I pulled a breathing mask from the closet and turned into a hug from the only person who seems to realize I need them. He kept one arm around my shoulders while I wrapped mine around his waist, and he wrapped the other around my ribs when I choked out what happened. By the time I pulled back, I had my work cut out for me in wiping my eyes.
I think this wouldn't boggle me as much if he were consistant. We won't say more than two words to each other for days, then he'll just -know- when some thing's wrong and be there to hug me and give me some odd look. He'll be cold all week but the second I need some one...

I believe in karma, partially from necessity (if I didn't think the assholes of the world would get theirs I might have to strangle some one), and as a result I'm having a hard time figuring out what I did to earn slicing my hand open.
Was it some thing horrid I've already done? Is it pre-payment for some thing to come? Or a balancer for something amazing to come? Or maybe a set up for the resulting situation I found myself in?
And if it is in response to some thing I've done, I'd like to know what it is. I simply can't think of anything.