Everything's gonna be all right.

Sometimes it hits me that I've only seen these faces for two months. I find it startling, jarring. I have a few moments of feeling outside myself before it settles back down into normalcy.
Maaaaaaybe I don't adjust as smoothly as I'd like to think I do.

There's a djembe sitting next to me. I still can't believe it's here.
I woke up in the morning, walked right past it twice. A half hour into work, I paused and thought 'did I walk past a drum this morning?'. I passed it off as nothing, until I walked back upstairs.
I worry about my skills of observation.

Three showers later and I'm still finding streaks of paint on me.
I hope it comes off my shoes.

Still frustrated, nay outraged, at the implication that I'm too young to be able to take care of myself. The fact I'm living thousands of miles away from any family and am doing it well seems to have escaped certain members of the offices. More than that, implying that the people who do look after me put me in certain danger? I can't begin to articulate my displeasure.
"Fresh off the farm" my ass. Alaska's too cold for farms, I come from a fishing boat.

As the days go by and things progress as they will, I find my mind swirling in uncertainty. People reveal things I'd not expected and others reveal things I had. I find my opinions flowing like waves on a shore.
Out, "he's just another kid who's going to get what he wants from everything and leave".
In, "he gives a shit and he's worth putting in effort".
Out, "they're playing favorites".
In, "we're different, so of course they're going to react differently to us".
I prefer the crashing sound the ocean makes to the crashing sound my insides make.

I am not the girl I was when I came here, even just comparing the voice in this writing to the voice in previous texts tells me that. It's not been long at all, I don't understand how so much can change in so little time.
So much more is going to change, too, and I have to be able to accept that. Even if my self-appointed guardians weren't taking it upon themselves to "better" me.
"You're going to have to learn to speak up for yourself. Now, go to it!"
I think I can live with this.

It's the little words.

"The more you talk, the more I think this innocent thing of yours is just an act."

"Let's see a smile on that pretty face! Ah, that's it! Don't break too many hearts tonight!"

"Y'know, my theatre company does have technical internships open..."

"I know people, I might be able to get some money off your student loans if you want to go back to school..."

"Wow. Nice toenails. They actually go well with your green shoes, in some weird way... And the black..."

"Okay, father-daughter time's over. Go home. I know, I know. 'I'm already home!' Get out of here."

"That top really does look good on you."

And I was your silver lining.

"When she's around, I don't exist."
I'm starting to think that maybe he's right. Maybe I do, unconciously, put myself in situations where I'm going to end up hurt. I run over past relationships and I can really only think of one where someone couldn't look at it and go "this won't end well". They leave, I leave, they're fucking insane, I'm too oblivious to realize what's happening, they're already involved. There's always something, y'know?
But then, why should it matter? Why should I spend any time at all tossing this sort of thing around in my head? It's not like it matters. I'm not in a position to get into a relationship with any one right now, so my "bad habits" are an issue in stasis. And I'm fine on my own, I have good friends and a fulfilling job. I just wish I wasn't sleeping alone every night.
But then, some times that is better than the alternative.

There's two rather fantastic books glaring at me from my shelf because I met a boy who's got the same taste for oddities that I do. If he weren't family, I might be in love.
As it stands, he's deffinitely my favorite right now.

I have this thing where I love everyone, from the girl sleeping in the bed across from mine to the gentleman walking past on the street, until they give me a reason not to love them.
I'm starting to think this may be a lot more trouble than I'd originally assumed.

The responses to my pin up shots have surprised me, if only because I trust the people I sent them to enough to believe their reactions. If they're right, mayhap I should look into comandeering a photographer and some supplies and make a side-career of this.
It's too, too fun.

The beginings of a dictionary long needed.

"I love you" - Translates as: "What you just said was so amazing that I can't even begin to comprehend it and it makes me so HAPPY."
- Alternatively: "I love you." The difference is in the vocal inflections and energy behind it.

"You crack my shit up" - Translates as: "You say a lot of things that I think are really funny."

"I'd hit it" - Translates as: "I find them physically attractive."

"Adorkable" - Translates as: cross between adorable and dorky.

"In 20 years, if we're still single, let's get married" - Translates as: "I really like you, physically and mentally, and would not be adverse to being attached to you in some manner. Let's get hitched, srsly."
- Note: This phrase is used sparingly, only three people have heard it so far.

"Really" - Translates as: (used on it's own, ie. "You want me to do that? Really?") "Are you fucking serious".

More to come, as it regularly seems needed.

And by morning? We'll be free.

The big fridges in the kitchen finally broke down. The whole kitchen smells like bleach to get the smell of rotting food out.
I guess it's the lesser evil. At least now I get a little high off the fumes.

Have been talking to some old friends and they've been pointing out changes in my personality, places where I glide instead of shuffle. Like I used to.
Confidence is a funny little thing.

Mentally, I'm completely captivated right now. It makes me laugh, to be honest. I promised myself I wouldn't permit it.
That lasted long. Heh.

I have a routered board in my room, a nice copy of a tattoo and a plan. All I need is paint.
Soon.

I find myself contemplating relationships too much. I either need to cement my thoughts (likely here) or just let it go.
Or a little of both...

I find myself becoming self-sufficient emotionally again. Opening up to people is again a challenge and I'm getting protective of my space.
Some times, this bothers me.

Crushed against her face, I could feel her insecurity.

I've been introspecting more often lately, I think, which is my excuse for being more active on here.
I have a hard time leaving thoughts half-finished, and the one I had to abandon earlier has been haunting me (and growing, slowly) all day.
I keep two journals. One of them is wide-spread through my friend group and runs updates on my status and adventures. The other is this one, which four people know of, and is an unaltered look into my brain. The other journal? Rarely, if ever, gets the thought processes that appear here. Not only because most people don't follow the writing style I use, but also because I'm not comfortable giving the general populace this much... intimacy. I dislike people seeing past the smile to the doubt and the faults.
The thing I keep coming back to, though, is the way I write here. I write the way I talk, I've been told, and I keep that true in my other blog. But in this one I write the way I think. Half-formed questions, sentences leading to nowhere and all, this is what it sounds like in my brain.
I don't know, it's been running circles in my head all day, and between that and the latte I've got my first headache in a while.

Also running circles in my head is a list of things that've influenced who and where I am in life right now, but I think that's a thought for another night. It makes me tired inside.
But I will say that I'm more confident then I ever have been, and more comfortable with myself, and I love everything about that. There are few things in this world more freeing than those feelings, and they allow me to sing the entire walk home and I can appreciate that. Even if my throat doesn't.